Address to the Graduating Class

2026

To the class of 2026

Thank you for the opportunity to address the graduating class of 2026. It is a privilege to be the guest speaker after having spent so many years sitting in the audiences of other graduations, including but not limited to my own children, also my own.

Generally the message at these events is basic: begin with an anecdote, a joke, the best a personal remembrance, follow with the charge which is either change the world or be good human beings in consonance with other human beings, world peace, etc. I am most partial to the change the world scripts.

Graduates of 2026, you probably won’t change the world much. My generation thought we would change the world too. Save yourselves. Gather up a nest egg of money and don’t let the news depress you. All the expressly powerful and most of the famous are nincompoops. Do not pay any attention to them, don’t pay any attention to them at all.

If you must distinguish yourself to matter, become a good criminal. An old school criminal. The criminals nowadays are in charge. When caught, they can expect a pardon.

Our elections are in the pockets of the donors no longer secret even who have planned their future security around the takeover of our beloved political process through privately financed groups, mystery backers — generally the corporations motivated by power and profits and idiot self preservationist fringe philosophies — this is where we have arrived in our noble country: welcome to your future.

These crooks hardly bother to hide anymore. The biggest grifters are in government.

Class of 2026, save yourselves. I want to make a case for a return to honest crime. The kind of crime I grew up with. Now those guys were criminals. They smoked cigars and they insulated themselves with payoffs and graft and they also barely bothered to hide it. They enjoyed their work.

Smuggle contraband over borders, intimidate others to buy your protection, surround yourself with strong, secure, ruthless people. Protect your community from a store front that serves great coffee, do favors for people for favors in return. Create a parallel world where your word rules. Never forget a good turn and don’t miss the opportunities for revenge. Be a good criminal. Let people know what you stand for. Do it publicly and without guile. Smoke a cigar now and again.

Infiltrate honestly. Be a citizen and make the expressed and unexpressed powers answer to you. Don’t let the politicians become so important. They’re the phoniest of all, cowards too fragile to value truth over re-election. We’re led now by the worst of them.

Most of your friends will become corporate cogs. They will eat well and be completely co-opted by a system everyone knows is driven by self sustenance and self aggrandizement. Let the corporations know you are not afraid of them. Speak truth to power, as we used to say. Be bold. Reclaim optimism through crime. It will be a great gift.

If you can’t be a crook, be a writer. There’s so much inspiration these days as our culture has slid into irrelevance, consumerism, greed, and cynicism. Everyone is so ridiculous you won’t have to make up a thing. Be a writer.

Thank you, and congratulations to the class of 2026.

j/sg